Emergency Mission for English Brekky Tea

You know those days, those days that its just a feat to get out of bed, let alone brush your teeth, then there is a shower and breakfast and commute to contend with… well it was one of those days. What’s more… it was one of those days in China.

I’d run out of tea, ok yes… there was herbal tea, there was even Earl Grey, but there was no English Brekky, Irish Brekky or even Caravan. No Tetley, no Dilmah and for crying out loud, no Bushels! Now, I’m ok without toilet paper, I can even deal without milk, a day or two without soap or a brush, fine by me, but deny me of a nice sweet tea to get me going in the morning, beware of the result!

So… I, that morning, thrust on my trousers, scraping my shins, pulled on the closest shirt – and, twisted my hair into a lackey, shoved on boots – sockless – and started the 15 minute trek to the closest ‘supermarket’.

The stones are not cobbled in the romantic sense of the word, they were more bricks, often protruding from the road in the hopes of tipping the walker, and yes... I tripped… then there was a nice long flat… nope, there was another protruding brick!

I stumbled, and usually I would laugh at myself, but I was in no mood. There was no tea in my belly, the evening before has been thwart with the shooting sounds of fireworks, clapping and strange humming noises (the humming noises I was yet to identify) AND I was to teach my naughty class in just two hours…

I kept my eyes down as I continued the ten minute walk, scooting to the left or right when beeped at from a car or a trolly or a bike. When a vehicle stopped abruptly before me, I jigged to the left and jollied my way around, jumping over someone slacking spit on the ground and avoiding the cut-offs of Goat for tonight’s meal that were flung to the street.. and checked out the noodle place that I’ve been wanting to eat at for the last few weeks! 

I continued, plastering my most ‘look at me… I kill you… talk to me… I kill you’ expression on my face. 

Finally, I squeezed between the chatting women with grocery filled trolleys right in the centre of the entry way… and scooted past the dogs doing… well, doing what dogs do – why not? Grabbed a basked and, taking in a deep breath, proceeded into the store.

I was on a mission, I ignored the shouting and calling and trying to get me to buy this product and that. To me, it seems, going to the supermarket or mall, in China is a bit of a luxury moment, almost a hobby. They stop and chat, and consider and collect… There isn’t the determination of the Westerner with a list of what needs to be found in isle A, what in isle B… definitely three things in isle C… and why would I go to Isle F? No time! Imagine if we wandered aimlessly down each isle and not get out the store by 3.45pm?

So, my Western brain, knowing I had a class that I needed to appropriately prepare for, was not considering these cultural differences as I tried to sneak through this isle, get past the gossips in that isle… why cant I get the potatoes in that isle? No? Oh… you need to weigh then? No time… no potatoes, they can wait til later.

I drove my trolly like an unmuffled V8 down isle after isle, my desperation was rising, my realisation that I might have a tea addiction becoming relatively clear. An elderly lady stood between two isles rocking her baby grandkid back and forth… so as to prevent ANYONE getting to the next isle… It was INDIANA JONES and the CAVE OF DOOM! I pulled my trolly back, I took in a deep breath, I counted the moments between the Granny’s to-and-fro movement of the cradle on wheels… and then…

I FLUNG MYSELF THROUGH! My trolly and I made it past the Granny-Child Danger house and finally found (insert the sound of angels playing harps here) ENGLISH BREAKFAST TEA!!!

Oh joyous moment! Oh perfection! The world was suddenly a better place. I pulled packet after packet after packet from the shelf and delighted at the smack and  thwup as they fell in to my trolly. Three employees came over to oooo and aaaahhh over the amount I was purchasing, but care not! Care not did I! When one finds some EBT in China… One goes for GOLD!

I smiled at the employees, they politely glanced back, admittedly with the look of concern in regard to my mental health… lets be honest, they’ve not had a good English Brekky with a couple of sugars and some skim milk… I say to them, judge me not… lest I judge THEE!... Mofos (I didn’t explain what that meant).

Yes, I needed eggs and potato and cabbage and a plethora of things, but I also had class and necessities had been met!

I made a bee-line for… where the heck is the exit? Where’s the counter?

I mulled past the meat section, grabbing some fatty looking bacon and what I imagined might be ham… still no check out…

Eggs, well, while I’m on the way, why not?

I scuttled past the bakery… yes, a loaf of American Style bread, well, it never hurt anyone, and finally the Skittles Isle… oh, I mean the lolly isle… but man were there a lot of skittles

And suddenly, through the desert of reconstituted food products and itemised sugars was… THE REGISTER!

I had forty five minutes til class… could we make it?!

I made a bee line toward the register but was cut off by an eighty pound woman with a trolly of the same size, I scooted to the next isle but was cut off by two elderly people who looked like they’d like a chance to discuss the difference between today’s rice and the rice of Mao… Next isle… nope, there was a three year old, a five year old and a Dad who looked ready to pull a gun on one or both of his children should that be a choice…

Finally, I came to a relatively empty registry, HOME FREE, I thought, then the shop keep looked at me, she looked beyond her, she looked behind her and she looked at me… with nothing but sadness and distress in her eyes…

“Only a few things”, I said and waved my tea and eggs in the air…

Her eyebrows took on a mind of their own and lent up then down, then in utter distress came together. Suddenly an older woman in uniform came to the counter, she nodded at me… but not in a welcome to the store way, more a, ‘well aren’t you a nuisance’ way, and started to clip my few items through the register.

I paid… I popped my items in my backpack and scooted out as fast as I could… Class started in only twenty minutes… it was at this point I realised I may or may not have a CUP-A-TEA-ADDICTION and not for Tea… but for a nice English Brekky… try and give me a herbal first thing in the morning, lets just say we may have a few words!

Oooof and into the apartment. My housemate stood back, aghast, as I quickly dissembled the bag of groceries’, pilled my cup with a bag of tea, three spoons of sugar, while relieving myself and changing my attire…

“Class”

“Yup! The naughty kids”

“Good thing you have tea then” she said ironically, I stared at her… she hovered sheepishly in her bedroom…

“right… tea… off then”

“best of luck!”

“Cheers” I said “I’ll need it!”

I smiled as I passed the kids yelling “Hello teacher!”, “Hello Fiona” or “Nehow Loashi!”, I responded with a smile and a wave and at once felt as close to a super hero or famous person as I ever expect to be.

Tea splashing in my new ENGLAND cup, and beads of sweat from exertion, I finally got to the glass...

Relieved and with two minutes til start of class, I whisked in to an....  

EMPTY CLASSROOM?

I looked down the halls, silence.

I glanced out the window. Not s student to be seen.

I waited a moment... nothing.

I went to the teachers room... "Umm... class?" I asked, pointing to the room I should be teaching in and pretending I had a watch...

"No no... late today... meeting"

"Will they come to class?"

"Yes, yes... you wait"

And so, I did... I waited... an by goodness I enjoyed that hard won cup of tea!